GameTZ

Sign OnNon-Mobile

When to end a relationship?
31-Mar-21 10:48am
#1
Master_Z
250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Has Written 1 Review

Some of you know that I divorced about a year and a half ago. Shortly after, I started dating someone. We eventually moved in this past December. The more I'm with her, the more I realize that we just have too many core differences to make it long-term. For example, she is dropping out of college and just wants to coast by in life, while I've gotten my master's and want to build a career and have a more comfortable lifestyle. And we seem to have arguments over this type of stuff frequently. Her anxiety/depression is also getting unbearable to deal with. I do like her, but I clearly don't "love" her.

Anyway, our lease doesn't expire for a good 8 months or so, but eventually -- unless things improve -- I just don't see myself being with her and may end things.

Is there a moment where you know it's just time to end it and move on?
31-Mar-21 11:09am
#2
shadyfozzie
Triple Gold Good Trader

End it ASAP.. tell her how you feel and be honest with her.. Just be open and honest.. It might be hard since you live together.. are you both on the lease?? can you afford it on your own??
31-Mar-21 11:15am
#3
Cevil
Silver Good Trader

Sounds like you've already made your decision, now you just have to act on it. It will suck and you will feel empty but it's better than pretending things are going to be fine.
31-Mar-21 11:19am
#4
sa330206
450 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader

I agree you are better to get out sooner than later if you are set that you can't make it work and be happy. Have you tried to discuss your concerns with her to see if she would be willing to adjust? If you don't think you can make it work, maybe you can remain friends until the lease ends?
31-Mar-21 11:23am
#5
bonanza125
700 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally

I would end it immediately. The one thing you don't get back is time. You could spend that time finding someone else who you are more compatible with. The moment you know you don't love her and don't see a future is the moment you end things which you have gotten to that point. The issue you may have though is if she is helping you pay and being on that lease. She can legally still stay in that place until that lease expires.
31-Mar-21 12:10pm
#6
Master_Z
250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Has Written 1 Review

bonanza125 wrote:
I would end it immediately. The one thing you don't get back is time. You could spend that time finding someone else who you are more compatible with. The moment you know you don't love her and don't see a future is the moment you end things which you have gotten to that point. The issue you may have though is if she is helping you pay and being on that lease. She can legally still stay in that place until that lease expires.
I don't think being in another relationship is possible if I'm living with her. Who would date someone who's living with their ex and can't invite them over? And while it's technically 3 bedrooms, it's a weird layout of the house in terms of space allocation and we have 4 cats (2 each). Lease and bills are split down the middle.

I'll take all of your considerations in mind as I think it through. Again, I do like her, but I'm just not sure if she's the right fit for me in the long term. Yes, I'm biased because I still miss my marriage, but at the same time, I just don't see any super-strong connection...not at the moment anyway.
31-Mar-21 12:25pm
#7
Anxiouz
900 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader

If you've been together for a year and still don't feel a strong connection to be with her long-term then while you can technically make it work, I don't think you'd ever be happy and you'll lose years (to eventually come to the same outcome).

Being on a lease sucks but if things are meh no, you can prob deal with just being roommates without much drama. Maybe she'll even find a friend to move in with it.
31-Mar-21 1:42pm
#8
SwiftJAB
GameTZ Subscriber Triple Gold Good Trader

@Master_Z with the little information you've given us, I'd say end it. You know her and yourself more than we do.

As for the living situation, make plans to move out for a few weeks and allow her time to figure out if she wants to stay there or move out. If she wants to stay, try to make arrangements to have someone take over your part of the lease. If she wants to move out, you can either live alone or find roommates.

On the flip side, my wife and I aren't a whole lot like each other and we have a great marriage. From the get go, my wife wanted to "retire" by the time she was 45, but made little effort do that independently. Now that we're foster parents, she loves being a stay at home mom. She understands that less income means that there might be some sacrifices to luxuries that we would be able to have with two incomes, It helps that I don't have super high goals that I'm trying to reach. As long as I am growing and changing for the better, I'm pretty content.
31-Mar-21 7:55pm
#9
tonymack21
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 550 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 3 Reviews

Don't even wait the 8 months. It's not worth nearly a year of your life. You answered your own questions in the OP bro get out of there.

31-Mar-21 8:11pm
#10
DrizzDrizzDrizz
Double Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Croatia

I know this isnt helpful at all but seems like it was a bit soon to move in together

What everyone else said, based on info given, end it, figure out an alternative living situation asap
31-Mar-21 8:23pm
#11
Prime
GameTZ Subscriber 300 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally

While a lot of the advice here is solid in principle you live with her. If you break up with her while living with her things could become unbearable. Look into breaking the lease before you do anything. Review it and see if there is a penalty payment that can be made to break it as most lease agreements have one built in. If you don't wanna go that route and you're gonna stay there just ride it out until the lease is up. What sense does it make to still live there under significantly more hostile terms.
31-Mar-21 9:31pm
#12
KCPenguins
Gold Good Trader

I would not recommend continued cohabitation after a breakup unless it can be amiable, which it doesn't sound like that's the case. Weigh breaking the lease vs continuing to pay it out solo, also consider getting a different roommate or subleasing. Legally, who the lease's name is in, one or both makes a difference, but financially it'll be a rough road to leave or boot them and try to get compensation or not pay. Sorry to hear the troubles man...
31-Mar-21 9:34pm
#13
Anxiouz
900 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader

We're planning on moving and to break our lease it's basically paying 2 months after we're gone, which is awful. But in your situation, to be free, that may be worth it.
31-Mar-21 9:38pm
#14
KCPenguins
Gold Good Trader

Anxiouz wrote:
We're planning on moving and to break our lease it's basically paying 2 months after we're gone, which is awful...

I may have had 1 too many, but you're dating Master_Z?
31-Mar-21 9:40pm
#15
Anxiouz
900 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader

LOL. Naw, just giving context to what breaking a lease may cost I'm afraid.
1-Apr-21 1:56am
#16
Master_Z
250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Has Written 1 Review

DrizzDrizzDrizz wrote:
I know this isnt helpful at all but seems like it was a bit soon to move in together What everyone else said, based on info given, end it, figure out an alternative living situation asap
I mean, isn't that the culture these days? I moved in with my ex-wife (then-girlfriend) about 6 months into dating. I moved in with my current GF about 14 months of dating. The fact is that it was mutually beneficial to move in and save finances versus being miserable in apartments (I have ASD and social anxiety). I live in a suburban area that is somewhat pricey for one person to get something nice.


That said, yes, I could technically afford to live at this house solo. But it would take around 2/3 of my monthly income to cover the rent + bills.
1-Apr-21 2:17am
#17
HybridCRoW
GameTZ Subscriber Triple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Has Written 2 Reviews

As someone that doesn't have much experience on relationships, I do have experience living with someone "out of necessity." It started out as being a nice person w/ a spare bedroom to loan out until she got her stuff back together (we got laid off, collecting unemployment). We ended up having a form of relationship that didn't work out probably because it happened quickly and we had differences of opinion on a lot of things, one being her kids. Eventually, she moved out by "cheating" on me with my best friend.

Honestly, the situation was mentally exhausting to me, but it was relief when it was done. Funny how I figured something was going on and it didn't actually bother me at all.

I guess the point is, don't shuffle it around putting it off... if it's not meant to be, then talk it out, work out some kind of arrangement of separation, etc. Dragging things out will just make things worse in the end... well except in my case it wasn't.... like I said, it was relief... so I guess end results can be different for everyone, except it does sound like it could be worse for you dragging it out.

Hope all goes well, especially in these times.
1-Apr-21 6:48am
#18
DrizzDrizzDrizz
Double Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Croatia

Master_Z wrote:
DrizzDrizzDrizz wrote:> I know this isnt helpful at all but seems like it was a bit soon to move in together> > What everyone else said, based on info given, end it, figure out an alternative living> situation asap I mean, isn't that the culture these days? I moved in with my ex-wife (then-girlfriend) about 6 months into dating. I moved in with my current GF about 14 months of dating. The fact is that it was mutually beneficial to move in and save finances versus being miserable in apartments (I have ASD and social anxiety). I live in a suburban area that is somewhat pricey for one person to get something nice. That said, yes, I could technically afford to live at this house solo. But it would take around 2/3 of my monthly income to cover the rent + bills.
More so than the time, I meant more like it seems that you realized all these things that are potential/actual dealbreakers only after moving in together, ideally it would have happened before the decision to live together.
I don't think the amount of days or months is important, it just usually corresponds to finding out all the important things about each other and validating that it's a good fit
1-Apr-21 8:57am
#19
Scott
GameTZ Subscriber 250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Has Written 2 Reviews

Keeping the relationship going just to help yourself financially would be very selfish.
1-Apr-21 1:26pm
#20
whitefire
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 600 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally

In my opinion, there there are a few times to end a relationship over 1 year.

1.) They cheat or abuse you in any way. Done. End it.
2.) They show no willingness to change or grow with you.
3.) They have made changes, but those changes didn't change the way you feel.
4.) You make yourself a worse person when you're with them (do things out of character).
5.) They're constantly negative and bring you down.
1-Apr-21 2:03pm
#21
Master_Z
250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Has Written 1 Review

whitefire wrote:
In my opinion, there there are a few times to end a relationship over 1 year. 1.) They cheat or abuse you in any way. Done. End it. 2.) They show no willingness to change or grow with you. 3.) They have made changes, but those changes didn't change the way you feel. 4.) You make yourself a worse person when you're with them (do things out of character). 5.) They're constantly negative and bring you down.
It's more or less number 2. She's gained about 30 pounds since we started dating and is not healthy, physically or emotionally. I've asked her so many times to do something as simple as go for a walk or take up a new hobby, but she swears she's incapable from anxiety. She also has zero friends -- she claims friends just disappoint you. It's also annoying that she is constantly singing all the time. I can ask her to stop, and she'll just say she won't be controlled and tell me to F off (I realize this is just a nitpick from me, but there's no compromising on it with her).

We have good moments together and I enjoy intimate time with her. But there are just so many little moments that make things overly frustrating. Perhaps the age difference is also a factor (I'm 29, she's 24). I am career-driven and also want to settle down (hence I married before), etc., but she has no clue what she wants to do in life and said she's fine making little income and living modestly with no college. And I am her first boyfriend.

When to end a relationship?